Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
