he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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