before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
