clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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