Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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