Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
