I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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