y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Life is so much better after having sex.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
