So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
