I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
