Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
