so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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