Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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