your parents love me but you hate me
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My friends, they love my intelligence
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
