I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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