I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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