i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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