I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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