Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
