checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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