It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
