Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
