Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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