The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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