I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
