It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
