I think my fart just growled at me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
