Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Randomize