FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
