Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
