God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
