I'm so fucking centered right now
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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