So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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