my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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