The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
