are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
