No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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