I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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