Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
