then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
either way he was missing a nipple.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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