So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So vagazzling was a success
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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