She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
