Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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