I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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