we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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