I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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