and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
