so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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