he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize