You surviving the open bar?
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She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
then he tried to convert me to islam
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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