I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
