mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
