For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
