i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
