i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
