Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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