the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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