He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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