I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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