Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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