so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just took my morning after pill in the library
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
