You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
