just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
