last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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