Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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